Have you heard it? It’s there, woven throughout the songs of the Broadway musical Hamilton. It’s the haunting echo of a song we’ve all heard before, “could it be enough? …I could be enough… will it be enough?”
Did you hear what Alexander Hamilton said to Angelica? Maybe makes me think of someone else…like, myself? Maybe you?
“You strike me as a woman who has never been satisfied. You’re like me, I’m never satisfied.”
I will never be enough. I will never be satisfied. Twin echoes, birthed in the infant soul and nurtured by experience that is repeated, repeated, repeated. You know that word “enough” better than your own name. It sounds like a low gutteral cough, like fingernails dragging on a chalkboard. It feels like the weight on your shoulders, pushing you forward; the weight on your feet, pulling you down. It has strong fingers and sharp nails, scratching the long way up the back of your throat each time you ask yourself, “is this finally enough?” It looks like murky fog, persistent as a shadow tripping along your heels. “Am I enough?”
You look in the mirror and “enough?” looks back. You stand, poised to speak, before a group of peers and “enough?” coughs in the back row. You dare to let your heart walk a ways with another heart, and fall asleep to the nightmare cry, “will I be enough?”
The twin is never far behind. Because you. are. never. enough. Has the world taught you nothing else? Face that mirror, face those peers, face the face you thought you could love – and see failure scribbled over everything. See ENOUGH lie shattered in a thousand shards at your feet.
You know how the song goes. “Could I be enough?… I will never be satisfied.” I am not enough for anyone; no one else will ever be enough for me. I will not love you enough…I cannot be satisfied in your love. I will not be pretty enough…I will not be satisfied with your beauty, or mine.
You know that you have mercilessly jailed friends, sisters, brothers, co-workers behind the same prison bars you so hate. “You are not enough for me,” is the lashing out of a heart that doesn’t want hurt.
But how you heavy the guilt of it all is! Wrecked for not being enough, wrecked for not ever being satisfied, wrecked for the deaths you’ve died and the soul-euthanasia you’ve assisted in. Could you ever be free from guilt?
Yes. Yes, because this, too, is within the limitless boundaries of the gospel.
But you don’t want to raise the white flag. You don’t want to surrender to grace; you don’t want to free your countless prisoners to grace. You don’t want to lose control. Guilt is so much easier than mystery, says Scotty Smith, and you, breathe out a yes.
Oh soul, your refusal of grace is a sin of unbelief: “Isn’t the fear that I am not enough really the lie that God isn’t enough?” (Voskamp)
Come and see a crucifixion cross. See a man torn and bleeding and hear him scream, IT IS FINISHED.
And you are host to Legion, babbling, “are you enough? are you smart enough? are you pretty enough? are you thin enough? do you care enough? do you love enough? do you plan enough? do you earn enough? are you holy enough? do you pray enough? do you tithe enough? do you laugh enough? do you work enough?”
Christ cries, “ENOUGH!” and the voices cut short – shocked at their own refrain spoken with so much authority.
In Christ, am I enough? is eternally answered.
You mean to ask, “could I ever be good enough to be fully loved and fully known?”
And those failures chalked over all your efforts to be enough? They’re real enough. But the love of Christ reaches past the scrabbling attempts, into the mire of a soul that is only evil continually and says, “This one is mine.”
How he knows you! Perfectly knows your ever thought, motive, love, desire, hate, word, wish.
How he loves you! With a persistent passion that is unrelenting, he loves you with the same fervour when you’re sitting in church as when you’re battling fury and feeding failure.
Jesus loves me, this I know.
Enough. He has done enough. HE IS ENOUGH. Your life is hidden in Christ, in God.
David said, “I acknowledged my sin to you, and my iniquity I did not hide. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord”, and you forgave the guilt of my sin.”
Your guilt? Forgiven.
The legion? He’ll cast them out of your life every day, every minute, every time you ask him.
Guilt? Has only one purpose in the life of a child of God; to throw you into the arms of Christ. When you come to the absolute end of yourself a million times a day, when life is that frayed rope and you’re just holding on, when you’re teetering on a precarious edge of rule-keeping; then throw yourself into the arms of Christ.
“He will never be satisfied, I will never be satisfied” sings Angelica Schuyler.
Whisper this like the promise of sure things coming, “I will be satisfied, I will be satisfied. He is enough, on my behalf, He is enough.”